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A Kuja Fanfic


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#136 Pogo-the-hobo

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Posted 17 August 2004 - 07:07 PM

Eh, I've been away for a bit, but I'm back...for today...

------------------------

".................."

"Since you won't drop your pants willingly, I'll drop them for you!" the devil robot was about to rip Kuja's pants, well, thong really, but you get it, when Kuja jumped back.

"Wait, fine, I'll do it. Turn around, I can't do it with anyone watching."

"Watching...? You do know I'll be touching you, right?"

"Yeah, but I can't take off my pants with some one watching me. Please?"

"Fine." the robot devil said, averting its eyes.

Kuja walked away, looking for some porn.

There's gotta be some porn around here somewhere. I mean, who could live without porn?

"Maybe some one who CAN GET LAID!" a shadowy figure said.

"Eh...Who're you?" Kuja asked.

"YO MAMA, BITCH! STFU!!"

"Mom...? Wait, stfu? What the hell? 'sstfooh'??"

"SHUT UP!"

"So, I see from the script that you're an idiot."

"F*ck you. Anyway, according to this, cheese, eggs, waffles...oops, wrong paper. Ok, here we are, 'Kuja, you have been selected for our free pirze give away prize. Thing. Deal. Hmm, I need to make my grocery list. Sh*t! I'm writing this down! Dammit! I'm still writing my thoughts down! Ah screw it. Kuja, you get a pirze for our free prize give away contest. You get to go back to the farmer's house and go to the strip club. We'll see you later, unless you can mend your ways.'" the figure read from a paper.

"So, you're the devil and you're letting me leave?"

"Yup."

"Cool." Kuja said. A portal opened up below Kuja, and he fell through it and in front of the farmer's house.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Hehe, it's funny because it's true. This is a ranch, and I'm back. Hehehe.

And in the depths of hell, a lone figure waited...

"Kuja? Are you done yet? It's been an hour. Do you need help taking off your pants? Kuja? Kuja, you there? Oh well, I'll wait some more."
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#137 Fanatik

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Posted 17 August 2004 - 09:09 PM

*Sigh*

it started out really really well. then after he 'did' rikku it just slid into badness and repetitiveness. Get back to the originality and funny and less of you guys. It all went to bad when you guys came in.

STOP RAPING KUJA

XD

but seriously, it was funny up until then. stop raping him.

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#138 The Poisoned One

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Posted 17 August 2004 - 11:16 PM

omg fanatic ur so right, it was funn but very repetitive
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boogers and zombies, and gorillaz, plus static-x, and virgins, and sluts, whores, plus the square root of 6 which makes that addition of that equal nine which because of the einsteins theory of law that provides the understatement of the words of newton who by all means went boom which caused all hell to break loose

#139 Pogo-the-hobo

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Posted 17 August 2004 - 11:30 PM

It's a little bit hard to be creative when you've done this over 200 times. I'm surprised nobody saw the repetitiveness before.

Although if you'd kindly see previous posts, you'll see that we aren't in them. Sure, Selkie's mentions us, but we don't participate in the story. Heck, Rufus is keeping that alive...and Kuja's not getting ass raped any more, for a little while anyway.

On a completely unrelated note, Fanatic, would you like to be in the fanfic? We could use some extras for the strip club scene. If you're interested, PM me. I'm pretty sure I can get you in for the guy front row. Front row of the gay strip club, but still front row... :rolleyes:
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#140 Rufus

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Posted 18 August 2004 - 01:40 AM

it started out really really well. then after he 'did' rikku it just slid into badness and repetitiveness. Get back to the originality and funny and less of you guys. It all went to bad when you guys came in.


It's been constant repetitiveness, dude. Originality is hard to find after ten pages.

Although if you'd kindly see previous posts, you'll see that we aren't in them. Sure, Selkie's mentions us, but we don't participate in the story. Heck, Rufus is keeping that alive...


Hell, dude, if I had known no one liked the SI references, I would've stopped ages ago. But whatever.

But truth be told, Pogo, page ten would be a nice place to stop. I am completely out of ideas... There's really nothing we haven't done. It's starting to feel like playing that House of Blood Floors or whatever on DMC2...

#141 The Poisoned One

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Posted 18 August 2004 - 03:30 AM

lol so true
damn that game was repetitive and boring
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boogers and zombies, and gorillaz, plus static-x, and virgins, and sluts, whores, plus the square root of 6 which makes that addition of that equal nine which because of the einsteins theory of law that provides the understatement of the words of newton who by all means went boom which caused all hell to break loose

#142 Stealth_Kkj

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Posted 21 August 2004 - 08:45 PM

There's really nothing we haven't done. It's starting to feel like playing that House of Blood Floors or whatever on DMC2...

Yikes, the truth comes out. It's true though. It had a good run though. Not sure what else can be done or added...

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#143 The Poisoned One

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Posted 22 August 2004 - 12:15 AM

let's hope pogo comes soon and finishes it up at the strip club
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boogers and zombies, and gorillaz, plus static-x, and virgins, and sluts, whores, plus the square root of 6 which makes that addition of that equal nine which because of the einsteins theory of law that provides the understatement of the words of newton who by all means went boom which caused all hell to break loose

#144 Stealth_Kkj

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Posted 23 August 2004 - 08:12 PM

A good finish, hehe. ;) Something... "graphic." :lol:

You know what I mean Hobo.

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#145 Pogo-the-hobo

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Posted 25 August 2004 - 06:18 PM

Ok, I'll end it. Tonight.

It'll definitely have "graphic" material in it!

Edited by Pogo-the-hobo, 25 August 2004 - 06:19 PM.

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#146 ilovesunshine

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Posted 25 August 2004 - 06:31 PM

It'll definitely have "graphic" material in it!

Translation: Pogo likes hentai.
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#147 Pogo-the-hobo

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Posted 25 August 2004 - 09:56 PM

@ RJ: Fuck you.

The following post contains content unsuitable for children like RJ, and other people under the age of, oh, I dunno, 15.

And it's really long...

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Kuja looked at his free pass to the strip club. He followed the directions, which led him into the city. It was nearing 10 PM, and the sky was cloudy. "Looks like rain..." Kuja muttered to himself.

"Awyup." some old fart nodded in agreement.

In the distance, Kuja could see a bright neon sign, and could make out the figure of a woman. Obviously this was his destination. He continued towards it, drooling with excitement.

It started to rain, but Kuja didn't care. He was almost to the strip club, about to get laid, about to see some tits flopping around, when from the building, tits flew away.

"Get the hell out of my strip club ya damn birds!! Don't be botherin' my strippers! Lousy good fer nuthin'..." the owner trailed off, walking back into the club. Kuja adjusted his thoughts of tits to boobies.

Heheh, boobies. Wait, boobies are a type of bird, too. DAMMIT!! Mmm, breasts...wait...there's that place in France...DAMMIT!! Mammary glands! Mammals...goats...DAMMIT!! Funbags...from little kid's parties...pedophile...DAMMIT!! Hooters...? No, birds again...dammit...JUGS! Mmmm, jugs...

A figure appeared in front of Kuja, about 15 feet in front of him. The rain was coming down hard now, and Kuja couldn't see the club any more. He looked around, he was in the heart of the city.

Did I miss it? No, it must still be ahead. How the hell did that guy just appear in front of me...? Whatever, I'm gonna get laid!

"Kuja..." the figure called out softly, then again, but a little bit louder. "Kuja!"

"??" Kuja stared at the figure, who was wearing a black cloak, with a hood pulled over his head, and looking down. He noticed the buildings all around him were dark, the windows a bleak gray, the lights: gone. He saw all around him, figures in black cloaks, similar to the one in front of him, all on the sidewalk, facing forward.

"Kuja...It's time."

"Time...? Time for what? Guy, I don't know who you are, but I've got a ticket to go to a strip club, and there ain't nothing that's gonna stop me, come Hell or high water."

The figure in front of Kuja, as well as the rest on the sidewalk, threw off their cloaks in unison, revealing none other than, that's right, you guessed it, Paris Hilton. Not only was it Paris Hilton, but she was wearing only a white T-shirt two sizes too small, and bikini bottoms.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kuja screamed, but something was wrong. "Wait, I think you've got something on your shirt, better take it off. And I think I see something on your bikini. Better take that off too. Damn, apparently there's invisible dirt on all my clothes, I better take them off. Shit, my balls are cold, I better put them somewhere warm, somewhere not unlike female genitals. In fact, somewhere exactly like female genitals."

"Kuja, take another look." a voice said.

Kuja did as he was told, staring at Paris Hilton's funbags. Every single Paris was replaced with a giant wooden box. Kuja looked at it, perplexed. He approached the box cautiously, and opened it to find: another box, but smaller than the first. Kuja looked confused, "But, I saw Paris Hilton, and she was naked! Where'd she go...?"

Kuja opened the next box, revealing yet another box, smaller than the last. He continued opening boxes finding more boxes, and opening them only to find even more boxes. "Man, screw this, I have a strip club to go to."

Kuja left the boxes, and walked to where he last saw the strip club. The neon sign had breasts flashing, and Kuja walked in. He looked around, noticing that the inside of the strip club looked remarkably like the street he was just on.

"..."

Kuja walked forward, through the rain, and stopped when the cloaked figure appeared in front of him, 15 feet away.

"Who are you...?" Kuja asked.

"This ends tonight..." The figure turned, and revealed himself to be a tall Caucasian man with short, black hair. He was wearing sun glasses, and he wore black from head to toe.

"CUT!! Dude, you're on the wrong set."

"What? Oh shit! Trinity! I'm coming!!" the figure jumped up and flew away, leaving Kuja wondering who told this mysterious man he was on the wrong set.

"A Kuja fanfic, final scene, take 2!"

"Aaaaand...Action!"

"Wait, what's going on?" Kuja asked.

"CUT! What do you mean, 'what's going on'? Just stick to the god damn script!!"

"A Kuja fanfic, final scene, take 3."

"Action!"

"What script, what the hell are you guys talking about?"

"CUT!"

Much later...

"That should do it. He shouldn't remember what happened, and he'll stay in character."

"Thanks. Hey, can I have one of those Neurolyzer dealies?" There was a flash, and a black man in a suit walked away.

"A Kuja fanfic, final scene, take 147..."

"Eh...? Oh, right, ass clown is screwing up. Ok...Action!"

A dark figure appeared in front of Kuja...again.

I hope it's Paris again. I totally want to see her boobs flopping around...Mmmmmmm...

"Not this time..."

"Hmmm? You're not Paris Hilton...and you're not a female...who are you?"

"..."

"Why am I here?"

"..."

Kuja sees a cord hanging from the back of the figure. He walks up to it, and pulls it.

"I created the fanfic!"

He pulled it again.

"Concertdely!"

"You didn't answer my question." Kuja said. He pulled the string again.

"The problem is choice!"

Kuja pulled the string again.

"Vis-à-vis!"

Kuja pulled the string again.

"Systemic anomaly!"

"Either no one told me, or no one knows." Kuja pulled the string again.

"Ergo!"

Kuja pulled the string again.

"Ergo!"

Kuja pulled the string again.

"Ergo!"

Kuja shook the figure.

"Shopping is fun!"

"I'm going to pretend I understood that...Hell, no I'm not, I'm gonna go to the strip club." Kuja walked away, but the figure turned, and called out, "Kuja! Tonight, it will end!"

Kuja faced the figure, who revealed himself to be the mastermind of the events that Kuja endured. He saw that the people on the sidewalk looked exactly like him. He was massively outnumbered, but he had to fight, had to get laid...

"If you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment with a stripper."

"Feh, no stripper for you, Kuja. That's how it'll end! No good ending for you! You didn't whistle!"

"Pffft. God damn fucking faeries, gotta make me fucking whistle to get the good ending? Fuck it all..." Kuja spoke his last words before Pogo snapped Kuja in half with his bare hands. The other Pogo's on the sidewalk stood there, staring blankly into space.*

Graphic part

"As for Pogo-the-hobo, he pocketed Kuja's ticket to the strip club, and used it. Needless to say, there was much enjoyment given to him. The other members who participated in it went their separate ways, but returned to SI in the end. Me? I'm the narrator, and I talk in a monotone voi--" *BANG* jg hgk. The narrator slumped over the keyboard, dead.

Fanatic, bored with the outcome of the fanfic, decided to replay it, but instead he whistled at the appropriate time, and unlocked the alternate ending! Alas, he was shot before he could see it.

FIN

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Alternate ending(from *):

Kuja jumped out of bed, heaving intensely. "Holy shit...Oh god...Wait...Haha, it was only a dream...but damn, what a horrible dream, a nightmare..."

Kuja tried to remember what had happened the previous night, in reality. He remembered going to a bar to pick up chicks...but that was it, that was all he could remember. He couldn't remember if he was successful. He looked at his bed. It was empty.

Guess last night was a failure then. Oh well, another day, another chance!

A door opened, and out stepped a large fat man.

"Oh shit, fuck no..." Kuja said.

"Hey hey! Look who's up! It's Mr. 'No, let's go longer'!" Michael Moore said, wearing a towel.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"What's wrong?"

Kuja sat up. He was still in his bed.

"Kuja, what's wrong, you were screaming."

Kuja turned, and liked what he saw. It was what he'd always dreamt of: a naked woman in his bed. A hot naked woman. "Last night...did we...?"

"Oh yes! Like, 20 times!" she said in a sexy voice.

"Another blast shouldn't hurt, right?" Kuja asked. He assumed the postion, and started rocking back and forth on her.

"Oh yes, Kuja, just like that, oh yes! OH YES!!"

"DUDE!!!" a voice called from the doorway. "Stop humping the pillow! That's my job!"

"W-wha?" Kuja looked down, seeing that it wasn't a woman, but in fact a pillow. Apparently he had a nightmare followed by another, then a dream, and was now in the waking world, wishing he was still in the dream.

"Just read the damn sign." the man indicated a sign near the door.

'Only Fanatic can hump pillows.'

"Your date is in the other room, so get outta here while I get busy with these pillows."

Disgusted, Kuja walked into the other room where he found a naked woman lying in bed, waiting for him.

"Comon, just like last night, Kuja-cakes!" she said. Kuja assumed the position...

FIN

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Well, there ya go. The exciting conclusion to this incredible fanfic. Thanks to my associates, Selkie, RJ, and Rufus, who helped make this what it is. To all the fans: The creators have yet to see any money/cars/concubines, and this is just unacceptable. Because of this, you don't get to get into the Special Thanks section! On a side note, Seiferalmasay gets partial recognition for trying to mail his concubine. The rest of you don't.**

**FUCKING CHEAPSKATES!!

Hehe, this post makes my post count and member number inverted. 1,555 and 5,111.

There might be plans for another fanfic involving another idea of mine. Depending on what the Board of Directors thinks of it, you might see it in Fanland.

Edited by Pogo-the-hobo, 26 August 2004 - 01:18 AM.

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#148 Rufus

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Posted 26 August 2004 - 01:34 AM

Amazing, Pogo. All turns out well in the end, so all of the sympathy you felt for this butthole-ramming queer we call Kuja became meaningless.

I, along with Pogo, would like to thank all those who took the time to read our humble little fanfic. I, for one, hope you enjoyed every minute of it (even the boring, repetitive parts, you whiny homos), and hope that it will have some impact on your life. Maybe reading this fanfic will make you realize that your entire life is completely meaningless. Or maybe this fanfic, as it did for me, will get you laid.

Thanks, all.

#149 The Poisoned One

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Posted 26 August 2004 - 01:42 AM

well that was.........interesting
/me runs off and cries
WHY DID IT HAVE TO END
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boogers and zombies, and gorillaz, plus static-x, and virgins, and sluts, whores, plus the square root of 6 which makes that addition of that equal nine which because of the einsteins theory of law that provides the understatement of the words of newton who by all means went boom which caused all hell to break loose

#150 EinEin

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Posted 26 August 2004 - 02:11 AM

Wow this fanfic screams to be made a movie...
Possibly a hardcore porn movie :)

Hehe, in all seriousness,
This fanfic rocked, and as it was the only fanfic I read,
I award it my meaningless award for making me laugh so hard I crapped myself and pissed my pants repeatedly...award...

Ok, anyways, if you guys do make another fanfic, I'll be sure to read it,
Once again, good job!




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